Introduction
Memorial Day is the perfect time to celebrate America and all that it stands for. The last Monday in May is a day to remember those who have given their lives defending our country, and by grilling your Memorial Day dinner over an open flame instead of using that gas grill you've been using for years—and possibly even turning off your oven for good!—you're sure to get noticed at this year's reunion or barbecue.
So without further ado, here are some tips on how to cook like a man (or at least how not to cook like a woman):
Use charcoal. It's manlier than gas.
Charcoal is more manly than gas.
It's a fact that has been proven time and again by scientists, who found that men are less likely to use gas grills than women. This is because they're too busy doing other things like making beer, fixing cars and playing sports (or at least watching them).
Charcoal grilling takes longer than using a gas grill--but that's part of its appeal! Plus, charcoal burns cleaner than propane or natural gas so it won't fill up your lungs with carcinogenic chemicals every time you fire up the flames. And finally: It costs less money!
Grill with the lid open.
Grilling with the lid open is a manly move. Here's why:
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It keeps your grill cool and dry, so it doesn't rust or warp.
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It keeps your food from getting soggy from condensation.
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It allows for proper ventilation, which means less smoke in your house--and who wants that?
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Your beer won't go flat because of all of those tasty fumes wafting out of there!
Be sure you have plenty of beer on hand.
This is a rule that should never be broken. Beer is the perfect accompaniment to grilling, and it makes everything better. If you want your guests to think you're a manly man, then be sure you have plenty of beer on hand.
If they don't understand this concept right away, just tell them that beer is manly and they'll get it in no time!
Don't use lighter fluid because it smells like lighter fluid and that's no good.
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Don't use lighter fluid because it smells like lighter fluid and that's no good.
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Use the right kind of charcoal. If you don't know what type of charcoal to use, ask someone who knows about grilling things and then follow their advice exactly as given without question or deviation, even if it seems wrong at first glance because they know more than you do about this stuff (it's possible).
Don't use a spray bottle to squirt your steaks with water before putting them on the grill; only use tongs or your hands to turn the meat over.
You may have been told that you should use a spray bottle to squirt your steaks with water before putting them on the grill. This is not a good idea! The reason for this is that the water will evaporate too quickly, leaving your steak dry and tough.
The only way to get perfectly moist steaks is by using tongs or your hands to turn the meat over and make sure it doesn't stick to the grill.
Drink while you're grilling. You deserve it!
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Drink while you're grilling. You deserve it!
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Beer is best, but any alcoholic beverage will do.
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Drink a lot of beer. I mean a LOT of beer. Like...a lot and then some more for good measure because this is a holiday weekend and what better way to celebrate than by getting drunk and eating hot dogs?
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Keep drinking throughout the entire process: while cooking, while eating and even after dinner when most people would have moved on from their meal but not us! We're still going strong here with our beers in hand ready for whatever comes next (probably more beer).
If your food catches fire, don't panic and throw water on it
If your food catches fire, don't panic and throw water on it; that makes it harder to put out and everything will taste like wet charcoal afterward anyway. Just let it burn until there are no flames left then shovel those coals over to one side of your grill so you can concentrate on grilling the rest of your food without worrying about getting burned again.
If a grease fire starts up in your pan or grill (it happens), use baking soda instead of flour or baking powder as an extinguisher--it won't cause an explosion in the same way as flour would.
If anyone asks why you're cooking with a blowtorch, just tell them you like fire, okay? No need for further explanation!
If anyone asks why your burger is charred black on the outside and raw in the middle, just tell them it's how you like it. If they ask again, remind them that this isn't their kitchen and they don't get to tell you what to do--you're making this food for yourself, not for them. And if they persist: "You want fries with that?"
Being different can be scary at first but once we get used to new things (and realize there are no consequences), they become normal and everyday parts of our lives. Be bold! Try something new today--even if it doesn't turn out exactly as planned or expected; who knows? Maybe one day soon your failures will become successes!
This year for Memorial Day, do something different and manly!
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Don't forget to set the table.
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Don't forget to put out the flags.
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Don't forget to have a grill ready and plenty of beer on hand.
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And don't forget to have a fire extinguisher nearby, just in case!
Conclusion
If you're looking for a way to spice up your Memorial Day, we have just the recipe. Grill like a man this year by following these tips, and before long you'll be on your way to becoming the next great grilling expert!
